I wish I had an Undo button

I wish I had an Undo button

- when I had taken a wrong route and driven all the way to find an exit to come back
- when I scream at Na&Ma spontaneously on something when it could have been freely passed
 if not for the spur of the moment
- when I multi-task in kitchen and burn or overbake stuff
- when I push on deadlines with colleagues when some of them can wait if prioritised
- when I express unpleasant opinions with folks when I have no impending reasons to do so
- when my thoughts wander in the past on those undesired indelible moments

But if everything had an Undo, wouldnt it be too easy? If I know I can undo anything, wouldnt I
be more open on the Do button everytime?

Isnt the realisation of not having the Undo button making me a better person every moment!!!

New Found Language

I have always thought of penning down the interesting language Narayan developed and championed during the art of learning to talk. Due to a number of reasons (predominantly being lazy), never got to do it. But this one is something which I want to put down for my own records. Narayan has now come a far way from here which is making a sentence using the first syllable of the Malayalam words he knew (up at this point N was exclusively fed with Malayalam to understand and talk). From here he is now reasonably good with both Malayalam and English which I am really really proud of.

Back to the times when N was about 1.5 years and was still on breast feeds, we had visitors over and N was repeatedly telling me - "Amma, Koo Vaa Me Poo Paa Koo". No one had a clue except the S Nair clan at home. It was super fun and folks went rolling around and laughing when I translated it to human consumable format - Amma, Koode Vaa, Melil Pokaam, Paalu Kudikaaam!

I just miss it and all the fun with it when N is moving to the more civilised way of speech! 

After a break!

The most beautiful moment in life these days!

The evening pick up at nursery for Narayan - While I am driving back from work to nursery I usually have a million thoughts as this drive time is my only 'ME TIME' these days. Sometimes it could be Legare and potential clients and if there is anything further that I need to wfh that night once my kids are in bed. But most of the time I will be wondering if Narayan has had enough food from nursery, has he had good naps, did he cry at all etc.

I will be walking to the corridor of the nursery to Bossy Bears quietly to check what Narayan is doing because I want to observe him before he gets sight of me. Most of the time he will have occupied a lap of one of the nursery assistants and singing e-ia-e-ah-ooo (in his style)..or wandering around. Once he gets my sight he will come running and crying all over to me. I think we both forget the place and start kissing each other madly. I know he is not at all unhappy there, but he cries seeing me. Soon he will be my boy talking in his own words and picking up all his stuff from there and in a hurry to get out while I sign him out getting his updates in terms of food, naps and nappies. He will be telling his favourite 'kechi' (Chechi for nusery assistant) - 'Akkucheta, Baaa..Veee' (Akkucheta..Bus..Vilikanam')....Thats his favourite bit of the evening to pick his bro from school bus. 

Rejection - Reception

Rejection, at the receiver end is not a pleasant experience whatever the grounds may be. The sting of rejection could make you sombre even though there is no naïve penchant towards it and also when you are conscious of the consequences (un-wanted). Is that one among the not so perfect nuances of human nature?

- You try for something, you get it and then you reject it
- You try and not get it (though you don’t really want it), it is a poignant scene– simply because it is a rejection
- You try and you get it, you consume it (knowing and/or not knowing about it) – then you mourn about it – as you cannot reject it

Simple pleasures!

Isn’t it lovely to see a card and a gift on your desk when you come in on a Monday morning to work! Especially if that is a complete surprise and you have no clue who is it from until you open the card. This was what I got this Monday morning and hence I called this week a good week. One of my colleagues has taken the care to please me for one of my small achievements this way. And the initial days of the week were good – loads of compliments for multiple reasons, recognition for good work and of course good work life balance….and a happy Tak at home too….Touchwood!

Is that what you call ego?

My little one who is not two yet was fiddling around with TV remote last night and he couldn’t get what he wanted. Then I said, ‘Tak, you cannot do it, let me do it for you’. Then he passes the remote to you with an impeccant smile saying, ‘Amma big Tak schmaall’ and watched carefully how I did it. I was actually impressed, how much these little heads discover and process in there, and they are simply genius at application stage. I thought Tak was just learning to speak random words in two different languages, never knew he is up and ready to apply them depending on the contexts.

Well, here if you look at this one you can even see they even develop an ego at this early age. ‘Amma can do it because Amma is big, I cannot do it because I am small’. Haha, but here it was simply cute.

Getting adapted

Getting adapted forcefully to something/someone is not a pleasurable experience. Even though the outcome is one of the finest things you can think about. My little boy is going through the interim period of getting adapted to a childcare setting. Having been enjoying in the pampered and protective hands of grand parents while his parents are at work, this little sweetheart thought there isn’t another world. Now that it is time for him to set off with some childcare setting, he is hesitant in a very strong way. Even for the slight mention of his childminder he says ‘nana’ and is just not bothered to go. Once you leave him, there is this heartbreaking sight where you can see your little one crying (screaming/shouting/scaring other kids off) for you – ‘Ammaa Ammaaa’. Sometimes it will be more of sobs than tears, starts with screams though!

Sometimes I imagine it is not worth to be a working mother if your baby’s happiness is something else. But then if you look at it in the other side, how long will he be a sticky toffee pudding (I do call him that!) with you. He has to learn the concept of nursery today or tomorrow. Earlier the better I would say. It took him sometime to settle in to a nursery previously when he was much younger. But somehow I thought it would be rather easier this time. But my expectations are not getting met in this case. I know he will get there, but it is this bridging phase that keeps me on my toes (or put me on my emotional rides!). Yes, he has to socialise and learn the concept of sharing, waiting for his turns and of course to engage himself. Don’t get me wrong, he is one of the best sociable kids I have come across and is generally smiles and giggles with everyone. But the case with childminder, he knows his mother is going to run away dropping him off and it is the whole thought of being separated kicks in then. Otherwise he is not too touchy touchy (well, mummy baby relationships are always touchy, but he is not overboard generally).

And it is the whole thought of this separation and may be a little bit of insecurity sentiment too which has had another effect over the last few days – he has got even clingier to me. Can’t blame him, may be I (WE) give him too much attention when we are around. For example, I think it is not bad that my baby sleeps late (that is whenever we sleep!) so that we get that much time to spend with him; and he loves it too. He is not affected much because he gets sleep during the day! He sleeps in his cot through the first good part of his sleep, but comes to us once he wakes up in the middle - poor thing. Every child, parent as well as parenting is different. Again I think it is not bad to have him in your bed once he wakes up in the middle of his sleep. If not now, When? There will be a time they wouldn’t even want to be near you when they sleep, so why miss out now?

I know he will learn! Yes, every change happens for good – for that perfect balance.

Two states

Two states by Chetan Bhagat is a good entertainer. I am fan of this investment banker turned writer or vice versa; as he puts it he may not be the best writer, but certainly one f the loved writers now. I thoroughly enjoyed five point someone years ago, but one night at call center had put me down. And didn’t bother 3 mistakes of life, and people told me I have not missed much. Well, two states is a work that made me laugh and got me to the state of not putting the book down until I finished it. It is such a simple concept and elegant comedy where you can switch off your brains, sit, read and enjoy. No one needs a dictionary or help as there is not a single English word which is not used in common life. And there are a lot of resemblances (characters, plots, and happenings) which could be related to campus; which is hardly remembered otherwise. Sometimes you do go for those great literary works and you say ‘oh wow what a language, amazing’. But then, I doubt if they would get you to the state of ‘go on’ until you finish the book. I have been trying to read ‘Ignorance’ by Milan Kundera for the past two months. I open and read a couple of pages and I am not getting through. It may be that I get pulled for something else, or I doze off, or I am too tired to concentrate or my lovely Tak snatches the book and runs off! (I may crack it sometime, for example in a train/flight journey when there is no Tak or no connectivity)

Two states got me ‘sit and read’, may be it is just that I don’t get a chance to read much these days in my busy juggling between Tak, work and home apart from those quick glances at daily news, metros and regional highlights; may be just a bit more on some interesting news. But then yesterday was one of the first Sundays in ages when our social calendar was free and I could curl up to my sofa in my night dress until evening when I was forced to take a bath (of course woke up late and I try to train Tak to do so in weekends like this!). And while Tak was helping (!!!) his dad and granddad to do gardening and some DIY stuff at garage I got my space and got on with the book. I took breaks for lunch and snacks, but then Tak did interrupt several times ‘Amma NANA book NANA’. He hates to see his mom doing anything apart from ‘being’ with him when she is at home; and his routine enemies are phone, books, TV, laptop, kitchen and bathroom if his mum is involved! He makes most of me when I am at home, and I hide from him in my study area if I have to work from home. And yesterday, I gave Tak extra bonus to sleep on my lap as long as he wanted as I was comfy with two states in my couch. Of course, I enjoyed both parts!

There are certain things which make you think as well. Yes, life partners can be chosen by you as well as your folks could help out. When you choose it is your circumstances or the opportunities you had got gets you there just like how Krish met Ananya at IITM, same like how Krish had lost someone at IIT. Well, it is a gamble. I was talking to my Mr on this and asked would he be happy if Tak comes with someone of a different community/background. And what we came to a conclusion is that we could only get them in a position to think right, help them develop their personalities and choose the right. Of course, right is what you think right; your folks and circumstances mould you to get there. I am of the kind where I do have strong opinions about people, communities and cultures. You cannot stereotype here I know, but unfortunately in my experience I have met people from different parts of the world and have observed same goods and bads with geographical similarities (Again here, it may be what I define good and bad). Yes, the feeling of Indian is obviously the first (it increases if you live out of India I guess), but then for very personal stuff you still get biased with your regional stuff – South Indian/North Indian. For all, Madrasis seem long way for a Malayali!

It is not that I would be acting like Krish’s mom to Tak if he gets involved in something like that, but then it is different on how you would want things to happen. For all, Tak would not even believe in the concept of marriage (yup, they are the generation next after all). Or I would be shocked to get introduced to my son’s wife – haha! But I hope my son would have the trust and ability to let his parents know his feelings and his decisions - let it be anything friends, girls, future!

“What do you do?”

Somebody asked me today – “What do you do?” I looked at him with a smile actually thinking how to answer this question. Mr. X repeated “What do you do for living?”
Now there I go “I am a Consultant, IT Consultant”
Mr. X, “Oh so you do computers, ahaa”
Me, “Well, I do but then not everything”
Mr. X, “Do you fix them?”
Me, “No, I don’t. I am not hardware, I am with software”
Mr. X, “Right, so you do program stuff”
Me,” Well, I can… or I have done in the past. But now I don’t. I manage software projects”
Mr. X “Ahaa, so now you tell people to do it!”
Me with a laugh, “I tell people how to do it, and why should they do it, and why business wants them to do it!”
Mr. X, “So that means you tell others to do it and you make others work”
Me, “haa, sometimes…or rather most of the times these days”
Mr. X, “Good, I have no idea of what they do. I just know to email and browse”
Me, “That’s all about it. It is just that those people (and me) help you to do that!”

Sometimes I start off to a random question of ‘what do you do’ answering ‘I am a project manager’. But then people dig down to what, where, how, on what etc. Sometimes I say ‘I am an engineer’. Most of the times with that answer people don’t bother to ask you more.

Lie for no reason

Why should someone lie for no reason? I wonder why this trend takes place. I have come across a number of folks (family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances) who gets into it. The silliest class is of ones who just merely put a lie even if you don’t ask them for that, and I feel just so annoyed about it. And that just develops into a habit for some of them and they just simply make a clown of themselves. Those lies get easily caught on the spot or a little later; and sometimes just a one off occurrence of lie becomes a lifetime question mark on ones credibility. At least I wouldn’t trust them any longer.

There is a slight difference here where you don’t present an angry face to people you don’t like. In my opinion that cannot be classified as a lie; simply because you just can’t show a fuming face or in fact an uninterested face most of the times to people you dislike or don’t want to be with. You are part of a society and there are many settings which you would not want to break. For example, you can’t do that with your colleagues. Just because you don’t like them you can’t stop talking to them and show an angry face. It upsets the professional settings at work. Likewise everywhere there is a setting to be kept. But it is a different case if you always tag along someone and say ‘I love you/ you are my best friend/ love being with you etc’ when you hate that person. I am sure the concept of inner and outer relationships are maintained by a good majority and so do I. I have been accused earlier during my college days that I maintained too much of outer relationships where I smiled and talked to people I was not very happy with. But then that was simply because I didn’t want to upset the settings and be anti-social ‘I will not talk to you/I hate you/ enemy looks’ state and that is childish. May be at that point I was too scared to do that thinking about the consequences; and I am sure at least a good part of the smiles received and/or returned where of the same type.

Well, life has progressed much further than college days and my personality and people handling skills has progressed too. Guess there is still a degree of inner outer thingy that hangs around, but the outer types has lessened to a great extent predominantly because you tend to see and be with people who love and want to be with and there will be no more room for outer shows. But lies for no reason is different from this context

You ask somebody “where have you been last night?” It is ok if they tell you ‘I was out’, but if they tell you ‘I was at home cooking’ and you had seen this person pub crawling

You ask somebody “are you coming home with me?” It is ok if they tell you ‘sorry I have other plans’, but if they tell you ‘ I am going for house chores’ and you know that this person has already made plans to hang out with X

You ask someone “when are you off on holidays?” it is ok if they tell you ‘may be later this year’, but if they tell you ‘not decided I may not go at all’ when you clearly know that they have booked their tickets

You ask someone “where are you?” it is ok if they tell you ‘I am out going somewhere’, but if they tell you ‘I am going home, I am not going to X’s home’ when you can see them saying this to you from X’s home

You ask someone “which is the best school for kids here?” it is ok if they tell you ‘I don’t know, or search this place etc’, but if they tell you ‘ this place’ and you find out this is an awful school and this person is not sending his/her child there because of the very same reason

You ask someone “what are you going to do after your course?” it is ok if they tell you ‘ I will think of jobs’ but if they tell you ‘ I don’t know I may take a break or study further’ when you clearly know that this person has accepted a job offer

You ask Mr.X “did you do 123?” it is ok if Mr and Mrs puts it ‘not so great, slightly, tried etc’, but what if Mr X says ‘we have been trying 123 for many times, failed, now prepraring for next trial, doing lots for that’ and Mrs X says ‘oh no don’t prefer 123 so never bothered trying, and wouldn’t want 123’

These are some of the very basic day to day examples. But then WHY? Why do you do that? Is it going to make any difference if you let reality flow from you to the world? The only difference that I could think of is the credibility of the person where others would see him/her only from a swindler pedestal. This in turn would be a suspicious feel on the individual and lessens the chances of one being a taker of their true stories.

The next category of behaviour is where one doesn’t hand out any clear message which is not as appalling as deceiving. Someone who is always ‘I am thinking’, ‘I am not decided yet’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘when time comes’ and the likes. But here there may be some genuine cases where the person himself/herself would be a thinker – always! But the other lot will easily be picked up from doing (purposeful) deceiving thinking for example when you pass out different information to different folks, or you become so habitual in this sort of thinking thoughts. What I have experienced is most of the people who lie for no reason get caught one way or the other. And I have seen the embarrassment they collect in their pot if the catch is in public and the difficulty for them to pursue further; and the smarter here hunts for more lies. Some of them are lucky that they will not be skinned in public, but they wouldn’t make out the real picture where others consider and act when it comes to them. Their reputation just goes way down their thoughts and their true versions tend to be perceived as frauds.

Home sweet Home - RETURN

Six years anon leaving homeland I still believe home is where your pedigree is. Being a home owner in a foreign country still doesn’t lend a hand to think that’s your ‘home’. Speak about home and there is this all genus of stuff about where you have come from begins pouring down. I had many foreign colleagues and friends visiting my home land having taken the inspiration from me; may be it is the passion that you have which could impress folks. The home emotions bind in closely with dad and mum which is all the same package for me. In fact some of my colleagues who did a jaunt to Trivandrum met up with my parents and brought me back all those good stories about the place, how much they enjoyed the sandy beaches and greens, how excited they were on the cheap shopping options, those precious antique material and of course the dosas and currys. I also loved to hear about my sweet and caring parents, giggly mom and beautiful home. And then I start terribly missing home and my loved ones there.

The first home you make is obviously something special for you, particularly since you have taken a big step in investment and you have splurged a lot of time, money and effort to customise it to your flavours. In fact here I have the Jills signs for life ‘Home sweet home; where your journey begins’ hanged in front of my entering corridor. Well, the trail in this piece started five years ago and we switched eight rental residences in five years time and lived in many different counties; and the alleyway extended from England to Scotland. And now we take a break near North Sea and bought our first home ‘Kilikoodu’ (yes, I do have the same board hanged in front of my house in Malayalam!). And we anticipate this is the big step and the best step we have taken before we return ‘home’. The decision to move to this top corner was taken after a lot of thinking, analysis and best practice examples.

But then ever since we moved in and in the due course of enjoying our own home we keep reaching the stage to start thinking of an exit plan in the next two to three year period. I am alleged for being so goal oriented that when one gets ticked off the list I robotically get moved on to the next challenge. It is the confidence of my other half in getting things done and the assurance in my potential (which I need to be reminded of occasionally) that helps me going.

The last six years boulevard was eventful and exciting which transformed the way I have cultured to look at things and moulded me as a better person and professional. Places and people around had a significant influence and effect in this course of action. And yes, I am still changing, improving, learning and adapting. I had the opportunity to travel around some different countries, sense the differences, know the customs, stories and myths, various tastes and this has added on to even better comprehend how different and unique everyone is and you can be proud of what you are - “I am enough and more to look at me”

I switched jobs number of times due to various reasons; in fact I toggled my professions and industries from a programmer to organisational strategist to a project manger to an IT consultant; from private sector to public sector, from country to country, onshore to offshore, utilities to health to energy domains...and the expedition still continues. Met a lot of people from various backgrounds, made friends in different parts of the world, became a part of many traditions and festivals…and I absolutely loved and learned all the way through. This has helped me shape myself more malleable, flexible and blending. But then the best part of the learning exercise is how great your belongings are and there is no way you are inferior. There were days previously in my career when I used to be not so comfortable bringing Indian lunch to an open plan office environment on the view that it could be smelly and people would ‘look’ at you. But then I realised in a little while that it is not as bad the ‘tuna’ and ‘sardine’ salads or bakes of the place; and how much fellow colleagues fancy your madras, jalfrezis and the tikka masalas. Oh yes, that adds to you – 95% of foreigners whom I have met extremely adores Indian food; and a good take of them love my cooking. How could someone not like those dosas, bajis and currys. On the contrary, I have come across a lot of Indians who says I prefer something other than core Indian. May be it is the grass on the other side is greener. It is like those Keralites who cannot bear rice and goes for ‘North Indian’. It is the same sort of thing with Keralites who cannot understand or speak Malayalam just because they were born and brought up outside Kerala (wherever it is). To my personal belief, that is cleanly parenting problems where if a parent doesn’t bother to give all those goodies they have had to the next generation or due to ignorance on those goodies. Whereas there are many UK born and bred Asian second and third generation folks fine and well-versed at their native languages (well, languages in their ethnic origins). In fact there are GCSE’s in Punjabi which many of my friends here have picked up for during their edification. Somehow there is a cross section of Keralite community who assumes their native languages are mediocre. It is a shame on how ignorance plays its part there and how they fail to realise how beautiful our language is

These are just so wandering feelings and I need not bother as I don’t have many readers. It is the urge to write sometimes which you would want to re-visit at a later date which gets me to put this together. Blog is a better weapon than those scattered files in your laptop and scribbled pages in your notepad. Having been employed in UK by an Indian parent company is the best paradigm to prove the rate of growth in India. Soon after I accepted an offer for a Consultant position with an American company there was this amalgamation with Indian company (which bought it over!). Though I was suspicious in the beginning I was proud about the merger very soon (obviously terms and conditions and of course my package stays the same!). So, this may be the first stride before RETURN.

It is not that I have a repugnance or antipathy towards UK. No, UK is one of the worthy places I have been. I have built up my career here, met exemplary people, made many warm friends, numerous good stories and lovely moments to cherish through lifetime and many more. And yes, I started my life with my man here which makes this place so special for me. I have done many experiments during the passage; of course with pleasant and unpleasant outcomes – but have never given up. The most we enjoy around here is the work life balance and the time for family. But I think the best part of our UK dynamism would be more of people than places. May be I should start writing about those people – acquaintances, friends, best models, annoying types and the not to follow types.

And yes, it is all about RETURN now – where my home is, where my family is, where I want Tak to see and get all those goodies we had, and where I want to live and love the most, and maybe I want Tak to do the same as we do now. But that would be too much to ask for; I would not stop him flying around where he wants once he is up and ready for that. Some job calls SreeRaj gets for work says ‘Are you ready to relocate for this from your family?’ and the answer is always ‘Of course, my family is in India and I am not there now; and hence fully flexible’. I think myself and Tak are just himself for him and the rest is family! So, RETURN - When and How! I need to put my analysis and PM hat for that as I have got process engineering and risk management resource in-house.

Leeds to Dundee RTN - TERRIBLE times!

There is no wonder why the natives say, “You can never rely on British trains!”

And I had been the victim of rail issues several times, especially those services between Scotland and England. So, this is not a one off occurrence. I had an appointment to be made at Dundee at 2pm. As I don’t rely on rail services’ timekeeping and couldn’t afford to take a chance to miss the appointment I made myself set off (!) at the 7:10 train from Leeds to Aberdeen. And this service operated at fair levels and I reached Dundee by 11:50 am and my mind spoke ‘Not Bad!’...But then I was disturbed at the 2 hour wait prior to the meeting, and as the place did offer some food for shopping skills, I ended up spending money on some of the not so wanted junky bits and pieces there on the local stores. However, the meeting was good enough and went on schedule. So I could catch the 15:17 service from Dundee to Edinburgh which toiled on time. And here begins the story –

The train reached Edinburgh Waverly platform 1 at 16:24; a quick sight at the train updates got me to run for the next connection which I thought was the 16:27 Kings Cross - which could get me down at Leeds. So, here is the survival of the ‘fittest’ (by all means!) brain and body running at God knows what speed rate to catch the train in platform 9 saying Kings Cross. I believe God exists – if not I wouldn’t have asked the train crew ‘Does this go to Leeds?’. Eventhough the answer was weird the point was very much valid – ‘Yes, it does – it is coming from Leeds’. And now the tired brain and body said, ‘Oh nooo, where does it go to then?’ The charming crew – ‘Inverness, Can I be of any help?’

Right, so the run was of no gain, but of pain from high heels. Just then I realised someone did the same run along with me as I had told my fellow passenger (with whom I had already made a train travellers relationship with - talking about network coverage, and what do you do kinda stuff) who is a lecturer at St. Andrews and had the same destination to get to – Leeds (Oh yes, I can influence people! – I remember this guy telling me the connection is after 5pm, why did he join me for the run then?). Now, we both found out that the next train to Leeds is at 17:08 from a different platform. So, we said, ‘Seeya later!’ I went to check out the selection of shops I have got for a coffee. But then got a call from SRN asking about my travel update and got on to the chatty mood; gradually forgot about coffee. SRN did talk about usual stuff and reassured my pick up from Leeds station and agreed to bring Tak along. Did get to talk to Tak who said ‘Ammaa...Umma’ which was very cute; makes my day bright and bring smiles at whatever unpleasant state of affairs. Tak was asking if I have my ‘Compukaka’ – the reference is for the laptop! he manages to exercise his influencing skills on meand get a bit of his YouTube drills – the Macdonald Farm, Makka Pakka, Teletubbies and the likes.

I walked to the right platform and to my surprise the Bristol train was waiting there to be boarded which could get me to Leeds. Again ‘Not Bad’. I got in, rang SRN and confirmed – ‘pick me at 20:10’. Now next steps - taking a nap? Came the shocker then - announcement – the voice and accent was bleak, maybe it was the message that got me to say this. “There is a damage with the rail network. Currently no trains are running in the North or South. Sorry for the inconvenience. The latest update is that this train will remain in this platform at least for the next 1 hour” with a big stress on that ‘ATLEAST’. I felt drained – This is definitely terrible!

Unable to manage a nap now, lost the mood. No network coverage, no books to read, and didn’t want to work! If I had access to Internet may be the complaint levels would have been lighter. And I start writing this! The next announcement followed ‘This train wouldn’t leave this platform until 18:08, so the passengers are free to get out for food or drinks’. Man, this is terrible. I rang SRN and expressed my concerns and also warned we wouldn’t be talking much over the phone now as I didn’t want to run out of memory and be lost in the rail ‘way’ somewhere at night. The fellow passenger who sits opposite me who looks like a banking professional has absolutely no expressiveness towards the matter, only thing I could see was a nod which seemed to convey ‘whatever’ for all those announcements. The group of guys sitting beside are busy sending messages – oh yeah that’s the age! And now one of them got out saying, ‘I can’t take this anymore. I am going to stay up somewhere here tonight. Will see ya at office tomorrow morn. If anybody decides to do the same, let me know we shall meet up for a drink’. I thought, ‘SMART’ – and that is management.

Well, I wouldn’t do that even if Tak was not there – that is me who wouldn’t change too much from the ‘border line’ which SRN always points out. However, train is now swarming with all those passengers who hunted to get trains to the South since 16:00 and everyone I am certain is hoping that this train would fire up at 18:08 and keeping fingers crossed for the next broadcast.

Oh yeah, now the status update message reads – ‘Due to a failed train and lineside equipment damage, all trains are blocked’. I notice it is 18:11 now. Ohmmy God, this is AWFUL. How can you find positive material out of those times when you are thrown off like this? I know things could be worse, but then now I just want this damn train to move!

Now, at 18:17, the next declaration – “Have some good news, Train will be departing shortly and the first stop will be Dunbar’. I am sure fellow passengers could observe an instinctive smile in my face. However the guy with banking professional looks still has no reaction apart from a very silent ‘whatever’. Man, how can you be so inexpressive! But the elderly lady opposite was contented. I can see the rail lines going further away from me now as I write this. The east coast is beautiful, which takes its own pride to show you what it has got in its arms – cattle in lush green – Tak loves the sight. But now, it is all dark dark and dark – thats’ what winter bestow! Could be shoddier, at least it is not snowing.

Well, somehow most of the passengers managed to get food. Guys sitting opposite are munching away sandwiches and crisps, 6 to 7 pieces of crisps in a single go! There was announcement from catering crew on food and drink options they have. Nothing to my interest, the ‘veggie’ options provided are – Egg Mayo/Cheese and Tomato sandwiches...and non alcoholic drinks – Orange juice/Coke. I am not hungry enough to give in for these options yet.

Is it Perfect?

Is life perfect for everything you want or you get?

You are looking for a house – do you get one with all your pre-requisites (may be your likes/needs)- in the locality u want- in your budget -at a specified timeframe!

You are looking for a job – do you get one with the industry you want to get associated with-within the close proximity of your home- in the pay grade and job profile you expect - with an acceptable work culture!

You are looking for a car – do you get one with all that you fancy in a car – brand, colour, performance, mileage -in your budget!

You are looking for a holiday – do you get a deal- in the place and resort you want- in the season you fancy- in your anticipated budget!

You are looking for a baby – do you get one at the time you want- in all full and great health you would want to- can be with you as much as you expect!

Well, this list is eternal...I have not met anyone who has everything given as they would want to for them. If you get at least a 50% of what you look for in your life, you are lucky. Once when I complained about some of the not so perfect material one of my friends did point this out to me - ‘Lekshmi, life is not perfect’. If it was so, then people would perhaps not have had any belief in God or the driving forces! At least most of the believers get to think of God if there is a snag, well reality of God and credence are a total different topic though.

And then have been getting associated with real life stories of folks for whom you think (or they think) life is perfect; and who as if get a blow from behind falls into unexpected catastrophe in life. Some things which you cannot have a control on or have say- for example loss of lives!

Well, you got to accept the situation I guess and take the best option feasible I guess when it comes to the context and degree of perfection!

2009-2010

After a break!

Year and more than a quarter have gone by and have not had a chance to take a pew and write anything! Life has taken its toll in terms of learning, responsibilities, love, care, emotions and what not!!!

An impeccable year 2009 has conceded presenting me wonderful things in life! Made my life change in one of the most loving and lovable ways. It took a bit of time to sink in and apprehend the truth – you are responsible for another life when you carry a baby in your womb; but then the story doesn’t change much when they are out at least for the initial period especially it was an unexplainable emotion to realise that your body is responsible for the food for your baby! Yup, breastfeeding was the most ever challenging things in my life and the hardest thing I have ever done. It took my body a bi-annual period to get used to the idea and start enjoying the course. If not for the love, support and confidence boosters I had from my better half I would have not been able to pass the testing times. But then you have no idea how easily you start falling in love and be ‘responsible’ for every single aspect of the new relation. People say that is the law of nature!

Though you tend to talk about your sleepless nights and smelly nappies, I don’t think most mothers genuinely grumble about the phase. Some say no time to complain, guess I was overwhelmed with joys of having M and didn’t feel like complaining. As most people put it, ‘it is all worth it’. And slowly your little one starts responding to you – oh man, I tell you that’s your world of joy! I never knew I would enjoy parenthood like the way I do now. That is the same case with better half – Brilliant DAD. Though your toddler consumes whole lot of your available time and your couple life changes a bit, you wouldn’t complain much. I think the couple bond changes to a stronger emotional double bond with a jumping monkey in the middle! Having been referred to as an over anxious parent when it comes to the baby stuff, I think first baby, you are new to it...and that is the way it should be. You have time (well and chance!) to improve. And there is no right or wrong that others can advocate in raising your baby – I strongly believe it is the way to do what you feel is the right thing to do, after all that is your baby!

Took a year off from work which was fantastic! Planned the delivery in India and had all the pampering from family! Oh yeah that is the place where you can catch support (or hire support) for anything related to your baby – you can sit and enjoy your after-delivery period. But then I think I was too sucked in to the world of my boy and didn’t want anybody to do my part of the pack. Back to UK – fun filled 6 months enjoying maternity leave as a full-time mum and home maker! Overall I rate 2009 as FANTASTIC – things can’t get any better than this (in fact don’t know to ask for anything healthier than this!).

The subsequent year – 2010 before I get a grip on things, it is coming to an end in a weeks’ time and I thought I should take a crumb of time to reflect how it was. The year passed by at the speed of light – didn’t even comprehend. Loads of happenings – all for good! M has been referred to as Thakkudu (cute? - don’t know!) even before birth which got shortened to Thak by his Dad when he gets too cheeky - which in turn got chucked down to ‘Tak’ by the gorgeous himself. Cheeky monkey says ‘Tak’ after getting into some naughty stuff and ensures that everybody is bursting out with laughter and he wins the game!

The best part of the year is Tak itself – the growing up stage! Both of us were fortunate to enjoy every speck of it; and that is the prevalent pleasure we have ever had. Term it - responsible, over-anxious, obsessed, addicted, drugged or whatever! Tak calls aMMaaa with a huge stress on that M in the typical Mal accent!
Touchwood we were showered upon with returns for good work, opportunities, family support, long lasting memories and so much. SRN’s new job is treating him well; my return to work was easy and smooth; could settle down fast and Tak settled well in nursery. Had the harmony and peace at home, excellent work life balance, good holidays, enough partying (oh yeah Tak has more social commitments than us now!), met new and good friends, family and friends’ support and so much!

Sample shots of great feelings this year:
• To see your boy running to you shouting out ‘AMMMAA’ at nursery in the evening when you go to pick up!
• To hug your other half tight when he is back after a couple of days (or more) from business trips and when you are stressed and of course waiting after a single parent job during the time!
• To see your little one kissing his grandparents over the phone!
• To get that appreciation at work when someone let you know when you have done a wonderful job!
• To get those things you have wanted for so long and when your other half surprises you with that for no reason!
• To hear that your boy has done well at nursery from a twilighter – he has done some colors, eaten well, played well, slept well and so on!
• The first of types with your baby – first walk, first word, first paint, first tooth, first hair cut and anything of the first of types!
• To get that entry to the metro when it is overcrowded and the driver says no more entry; but still someone shows that kindness to squeeze a little bit and get you in; so that you get to see your baby 15 minutes before!
• To catch up with old and long lost friends!

Well, life is not complete without challenges too. 2010 had been challenging at times as well.
• When my parents left and we couldn’t get support from other side as planned due to family weddings – all of sudden I was blank – what to do with Tak! But then to my surprise Tak has settled well at Kids Academy much quicker and easier than I had ever expected.
• SRNs job move to Scotland and the single parent job for me at times is demanding or exhausting especially when Tak gets a bug or flu. But then, we have survived the tides until now. The job move has put my job at risk (at the moment) as I will have to find a suitable position in Scotland which has not been very great this year.
• The snow, the bugs, flu and all sorts has been exigent from a parent perspective, but then that is all part of the package.
• Oh yeah! The dark circles around eyes – is not getting any better!!! I think I can smartly and carefully mask it with some estee lauder eye colours; but truth never dies!

Too much of bullet points – recently into too much of reports I guess! Well altogether 2010 had been great as well. I am actually looking forward to 2011 – to see what is in store for us! Sure to have more of Tak as he is growing fast; much more intelligent than we think! Apart from this the big tasks for 2010 in my hit list are move to Scotland, sorting out jobs, entering the property ladder!

Fortune Cookies!!!

Chinese meal was something taste buds demanded to mark the end of this bank holiday weekend. So we decided to try out the ‘My Asia’ Chinese restaurant in Northallerton! Guess this was the only one restaurant left to try out in the high street as this one always gave the impression of a not so great place. When we decided to try our luck last night we were quite surprised and impressed by the standard of the place. The ambience was great inside and so was the quality of the products! Infact the service was great too unlike some of the Chinese places where we are expected to finish off in a hurry.

Yeah, you get for what you pay; the place is expensive! But didn’t complain much as we both enjoyed whatever we ordered. As always I had my doubts on quantity while ordering but struggled to finish off the mains after starters; so desert was sacrificed! Then comes the bumper, fortune cookies! I was seeing it for the first time and was not particularly interested, just wanted to pay and get off. SreeRaj opened his cookie and it said, "You will make many changes before settling down satisfactorily!”. And we we got interested; SreeRaj knew there was a story behind fortune cookies and asked the customer service girl about it. She said, “ No story!”. Guess she has a bit of language problem. We left the story thingy there and now I wanted to open mine though didn’t want to have it as I was so full. There comes mine ,” You will be graced by the presence of a loved one soon!”. I was like, “Woah! This is good”. Now I wanted to try it out and it tasted good too – fat free, vanilla flavour plain flour simple cookie!

We were both happy with our fortune cookies!!! And then I badly wanted to know what the story behind this is. Here it goes (from a piece of google search)

“For many centuries the Chinese have marked special occasions and festival times such as harvest and New Year with the giving and receiving of Moon Cakes these were made from Lotus Nut Paste.
During the 13th and 14th centuries China was occupied by the Mongols. When plans were made in Peking for a popular uprising to oust the invaders, much thought was given how news of the date of the uprising could be circulated without alerting the Mongols.
The story goes that the Mongols had no taste for Lotus Nut Paste and so the Chinese hid the message containing the date in the middle of their Moon Cakes replacing the yolk with secret messages. Patriotic revolutionary, Chu Yuan Chang took on the disguise of a Taoist priest and entered occupied walled cities handing out Moon Cakes. These were the instructions to co-ordinate the uprising which successfully formed the basis of the Ming Dynasty.
Thus the tradition of giving cakes with messages was born and became a popular way of expressing wishes of goodwill or good fortune on an important occasion.
The origins of the Fortune Cookie as we know it today were laid down by the Chinese 49'ers who worked on the building of the great American railways through the Sierra Nevada into California.
Work was very hard and pleasures were few in isolated camps, those hard workers had only biscuits with happy messages inside, to exchange at the Moon festival instead of traditional cakes with happy messages, thus the FORTUNE COOKIE was born. This became something of a cottage industry and as the Chinese settled in San Francisco after the railway and the Gold boom the custom continued. Today it is almost impossible to have a Chinese meal in America and Canada without finishing with a Fortune Cookie.
More and more businesses and even governments are having promotional messages printed on the opposite side to the fortune. The HONG KONG police used them in anti - drugs campaigns and the US followed.
The first automated production of Fortune Cookies took place in America in 1964 before that they were made by hand. In recent years fully automated facilities have been set up in the UK to produce Fortune Cookies that are now gaining increasing popularity in Chinese restaurants and Take-Aways across the U.K. and Europe”

Interesting!!! A good selling point too – fortune wrapped in a piece of paper! Who wouldn’t like to see pleasing things like this though you believe in it or not!

Travelling alone :(

Travelling is fun for me if I have the right company. I have always enjoyed travelling with family and friends whether it is a fully planned trip or an instant idea. Both has its own charm. Start of a drive in the morning and randomly pick a place which you want to visit or see with your better half – its simply wonderful! If you get your friends joining in for this it is even better. With not much expectation but with great pleasure you set off for it. And then you have the full planned itinerary ones which you have dreamt, planned and the much awaited ones. With high expectations you set off for it and needless to say most of the times the outcome is pleasurable.

No matter how good the travel or destination is (even if it is going back home) I don’t enjoy travelling alone. And I am not good at travelling alone. Let it be airports, train stations, buses, even walking distances I hate travelling alone. Even for my up and down train journeys I long for company. It is relatively a better journey as I know clearly where I am supposed to reach as it is a routine and the route has a ‘feel at home’ feeling by now. Otherwise travelling alone gives me a lot of stress most of the times. Having real poor direction sense things get messed up a good amount of time. And again I hate to manage the sign posts, directions and anything of that sort on my own. I know I am pampered! Then again if the journey involves any waits where I have to kill time on my own, my frustration goes up and high and it is at its worst if I cannot get connected to the world! Less luggage more comfort logo adds onto it. Even if it’s a trolley bag I feel I am in pain. The bottom line is travelling alone is a pain!

Four more weeks to go at work before a break!!! In fact a long break.
Guess I have been working continuously for four years and the longest break I had got in between would be of two months during the marriage. Straight to University from there! And then started work before the course finished. Now looking back at it, things were hectic though it kept me occupied all the while with not much time to complain. Anyway, I am really looking forward to the break now.

The past months had been absolutely busy with so many trips, Sruthi fifth annual event and with not one spare weekend to wind off. But then I guess it was enjoyable to a great extent. Met a lot of new people, got more time with friends, got lots of shopping done and so on.
The Fort William trip was AMAZING. Absolutely fell in love with the place!!! And it was a perfect holiday, didn’t want to come back. My initial feel about the holiday wasn’t great as I expected the 6+ hours drive would kill me. But to my surprise I enjoyed every bit of the drive (for a change!) and didn’t even doze off once. You don’t want to miss anything on the sides I guess, that picturesque it is. The lively Oban Marina and drive arounds nearby make it perfect destination to for all sorts of people I guess – panoramic as well activity oriented from walks to scuba diving!

Now with the start of May you feel more at ease as you are spoilt with two bank holidays. One is already down and you get more and more reluctant to get up on Tuesday mornings to start the working week. However, the weather has not changed much in North Yorkshire as I am still on my winter jacket (may be its just me). But occasionally you get sunny days too. The next long weekend is already blocked with a walk organised in the Dales with some friends (a BIG group in fact) followed by a BBQ. And I am sure I will need the next two days for rest after this! And then I will be left with just another 1 week before I leave. God, time does fly!

The to-do list for me just goes on and on and the deadlines are in four weeks time. All four weekends are already blocked as you tend not to miss anyone/anything during this time. Maximum catch ups with people!
The next scary thingy is on swine flu! I tend to suspect on myself all those symptoms I get to hear on various illnesses. Now that I have a cold that’s been running for a while I wanted to check if its swine flu. But I am sure it is not; but I wanted to check. My next air travel is in five weeks time to India, I just hope the viruses would be settled by then. Today in office, there is a notice put up in rest rooms, ‘If u feel sick, please be at home! Don’t pass on the germs!’ How true and I highly appreciate the idea.

Vishu

Today is Vishu, the start of Malayalam year. The harvest festival it is and is more popular and celebrated widely in North Kerala. Though I am from South Kerala Vishu was always special for us. It is not that we did big do’s on any of the Vishu’s, but the making of Vishukani and Vishukaineetam was always special. Vishukaineetam used to be one of the catching times when you were younger as it is the time when your pockets get filled up. Though the great Malayali feast, sadhya was not always there but Amma always managed with a mini sadhya and a payasam.

All the previous years I managed to be at home with either of the Mums during Vishu. Cant really say I am not at home this time, but it is always different with just both of us. The main thing being you miss everybody back home and you tend to compromise on celebrations thinking, ‘oh its just two of us!’ Especially this time Vishu falls on the working day very next to the Easter long weekend. Having had a weekend with late nights and wandering around with friends you are too tired to open your eyes next morning on the working day. But this time, for a change we managed to make a small Vishukani with available resources last night before we hit the bed. The traditional flower used for celebrating Vishu is the state flower in Kerala, Kanikonna is no way available in North East England. That is one big tree which marks the season in Kerala with absolutely no leaves at this time and fully flowered in bright yellow. I miss that!!! However, I had thought daffodils do give the same feel of the colour or atleast yellow chrysanthms. But, being a holiday yesterday we couldn’t sort the flowers out until evening, reason being we forgot about it. So for the Vishukani we managed with some white lilies, some fruits and veggies, a gold chain, a mirror and the available resources at home.

Got up an hour earlier than usual so that we get ample time for Vishukani and to catch up with family on phone. I should say getting up early and just opening your eyes infront of Lord Krishna with a Vishukani in front of him and then a look at Vaalkannadi make you feel great. Yes, the feeling is the same wherever you are in the world. Made sure I was not late for the trains as there is a saying that your entire year will somehow have the same effect if you mess up with the starting date. Superstitions never die however confident or convinced you are on their possibilies, sometimes you just don’t want to take a chance when it comes to you.

A typical afternoon lunch/bite

Having been too lazy or too tired to bring in my lunch these days I have been grabbing something for lunch from the shops. Leeds, supposed to be spoiling you by choice offers a lot; but sticking to the vegetarian side for the past few months it is difficult to grab something of interest. If you are not fond of cheese, cold pastas, chutneys in sandwiches and the likes vegetarian options aren’t much. Most of the days you just have to make yourself happy with a soup and bread or a jacket potato with beans; unless you are on a proper eat out to the restaurants with friends or colleagues.
Well, I do give in for the veggie patties from Subway which is the only one thing I can consume from there. Subway teaches you to be really prompt in a way – to answer for a number of questions within a second.

One of the lunch orders I placed with Subway and the result
Subway Guy (SG): What is that you are going for?? Looking at their meal deals and offers. Is that a bit rude? No, he doesn’t really know to please, looks like still in training; definitely not an English guy!
Me: Just a veggie patty please
SG: Which bread and size
Me: Italian herbs and cheese please
He has already taken out a 8 foot long and started placing stuff in itMe: Excuse me, please wait, just a normal 6 inch one please
SG: Oh ok! (Cutting it into half) Any cheese?
Me: No, thanks
SG: Want it heated? (already the patty had gone into the oven)
Me: Yes please, thank you
SG: What salads would you like? (already placed a load of lettuce into that)
Me: Sorry, can you please take those lettuces off
SG: Oh sorry, what else (tried taking out a good portion of the lettuce placed in)
Me: Can I have some cucumber and tomatoes please
SG: placed them in the sub on top of the patty (organised!)
Me: Can I have some extra olives and jalapenos please
SG: placed a good deal of olives and a GOOD deal of jalapenos as well. The extra is misunderstood for jalapenos too. I could have made it clearer as just extra olives. By then I lost my patience and left it, didn’t bother to take the extra jalapenos off
SG: What sauce do you like?
Me: Can I have just a lil bit of Chilli Mayo please
SG: Had poured the Chilli sauce all over the sub.Me: I was lost now!!! ‘I said Chilli Mayo’ ..can you please take this sauce off please
SG: Oh is it? You mean the western??
Me: This one please…pointing to the Chilli Mayo bottle….
SG: It was practically not possible for anyone to take the beautifully distributed chilli sauce off the sub. This poor soul tried digging out the sauce and the whole thing looked pathetic by now. ‘Can I replace the patty for you Madam?’
Me: YES PLEASE
SG: threw another veggie patty to the oven. ‘please wait for a minute’
Me: Thank you
SG: By the time the new patty came in this guy forgot the ‘lil bit’ for the Chilli Mayo sauce. He had poured a hell lot of chilli mayo within a fraction of a second into the sub to make me happy. ‘Here you go’
Me: Didn’t bother anymore. Just wanted to run off. THANK YOU!!!
SG: Any drink? (Already had a cup taken out for that)Me: No thanks. Paid and left the place.
Enough for the lunch deal. Just then noticed the ‘spicy lentil soup’ boards in Bagel Nash; should have gone for that though I would feel ‘I can make a better dal anyday!’ Allright, need a break - thought will go for a browse at the office cyber café as I had some stuff to do from my personal email account. Now, when I opened the sub, it was a real MESS. It was too big for me to take it in my mouth in the first place. And it was too damn spicy with all the chilli mayo and jalapenos!!! Taste buds have had quite a change in about two years time and spice levels had come really down. Spent another five minutes cleaning up the sub to take out the unwanted bits and pieces to wash it down my stomach. Some of my colleagues who were there gave those looks which said –‘Oh you are too fussy with food’!!! Can’t complain much on the looks and comments here now as I am fussy with food. But then wasn’t angry or unhappy at the end. I did enjoy the sub at last; clubbed with a browse and a ten minutes google chat with nephew who was telling me his holiday plans.

Name and Place

What is it that you should look for in a name?
- meaningful?
- Stylish?
- Easy to use?
- Adaptable in any part of the world?
- Traditional; adhering to culture?
- Religious?

I think it depends on how you look at things and how you want to be looked at by others. My name being one of those traditional names from India is quite popular in my motherland. But then now being in England, English and of course most of the non-Indians find it difficult to pronounce in the first place. But then I always educate people to get my name right. If someone asks me the meaning I think I am proud to say I am named after the goddess of wealth and prosperity. And I have never tried to shorten it to Leks, Lax or ‘L’(though there had been friends who used it that way); somehow I feel it is a question to my identity. But can’t really say it is a bad practice to shorten the names especially to those who have incredibly long names with unusual syllables.

I don’t really think there is a problem is clarifying your name twice or thrice to someone who has not heard the name before; there is absolutely nothing to be shameful about that. It is their ignorance and you should still be proud of your names. I don’t understand why people take strenuous efforts to change their names once they are in a new place. I don’t think it is worth changing your roots (especially if it is your dad’s name or family name) just for the convenience of other people and that you are in a different part of the world. I have seen British getting confused with pronouncing British names; and same with Europeans. So its just there everywhere. There is definitely a way to get around it.

There are these wise people who name their kids accordingly which are justifiable to an extent. Just because you know the kid is not going to spend a significant time of their life in India they don’t really see a point in going for a proper Indian name. They just name it conveniently for the use of non-Indians (and Indians). But then I personally feel you are then disadvantaged with the choice of some of the beautiful names you can go for.